It's no better today. Sure, we don't drag thousands and millions of people to their dooms for our whims, but we're sure as hell accostomed to trying to drive our competitors out of business, start rumors to make them lose their jobs, etcetera. It's genetically encoded in us now - don't bother making myself a better provider, find a way to make everyone else a worse provider. It's a fundamental laziness brought on from millions of years of those who accomplished this feat being able to spread our genes, while those who did not perished. I'm not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing, it's just how we're genetically programmed.

But it gets worse, brethren. In today's society, if you look at someone the wrong way, you can be slapped with a lawsuit. Or worse. People have been trained to avoid meeting people at work, for fear of sexual harassment suits. Never forget - the defendant only has to state that you made them feel uncomfortable, and the suit sticks. You lose your job, your livelihood, your money, your status, and everything else you worked for your whole life for a comment like, "You look nice today." One small caveat to this, however - in today's society, with the horrendous amount of inflation we've undergone, while at the same time wages being somewhat frozen, one has to spend their entire waking life working, or fairly close to it. So, since you can't meet anyone at work, and all you ever do is work, it kind of leads to a vicious circle.

So, this leaves us with a few options. Well, maybe it's not that bad, but Lord it isn't good. I know that every time I'm thrust back into the world of meeting people again, be it through my own choice or the choice of whomever had been saving me from this trauma the noose option looks good, but eventually, a clearer head prevails, and I get my shit back together. Sometimes this takes longer than others. My main question is, however, why is it that usually within about a week after I decide that women are far more trouble than they're worth, and I'm going to just concentrate on my career, hobbies, or whatever, keeping some of my hard earned dough, and enjoying time with my friends instead of catering to the whims of some she-devil, I meet someone who I fall head over heels for? Anyone who has an answer for me, I'd love to hear it.

So, since you can't meet people at work , and you seem to have enough time to sit around on the net and read my rantings, why not try surfing some of these places? It can't hurt. Well, it can, but we're not going to go there.

Digital city personals. AOL's answer to other people's personal's pages. Click your city, click on personals, and try to meet someone there. Or, post your own ad. Works best if you include a picture. Unless you're Quasimodo.

Adolescent Adulthood Ways of meeting people, starting up a conversation, how to ask for a date, etc. Perhaps not a complete waste of time, but hey, if I knew anything about dating, would I still be single? Noooo.

Pen Pal Garden I've met a couple really good friends over here.

So, there's someplace to start. Who knows? You might meet the love of your life. I know that off of the AOL one, I have met one of the dearest friends I could ever hope for, even if I piss her off more often than not. I also met my dream woman, and if I could just convince her that I'm her dream man, we'd be all set. Of course, I know better than to get my hopes up, considering that women do not want those who want them. They see disinterest as a personal challenge, and will go out of their way to lure your attention.

Let's look at an example in action. My friend, described above, has met this guy. He calls sometimes, but he never asks her out - she always ends up doing the asking. She's so concerned with finding out if he's really interested in her, that she practically stalks him. This man is my new hero - I've never been able to make myself a scarce commodity. So, do bear in mind, if you do meet someone off of the above links, never, ever show your interest. It's like when you're buying a car, and the salesman sits down and says, "It'll be 18 jillion dollars." He who speaks first loses. If you open your mouth first, you've bought the car, and you'll not be happy with the deal you get. If you wait for the salesman to speak, you'll get the deal you want. It's the same thing. If you express interest first, you're going to be LJBF'd. (Let's Just Be Friends)If you wait for the other party to move, you win. It's that simple.

While we're on the subject, let's take a good, long look at the phrase, "Let's Just Be Friends". I have met one, count them, one person who meant that when she said it. It has become such a cliche that it borders on insult. What it really translates to is, "I don't ever want to date you, but the losers I am attracted to have this tendency to beat the shit out of me when I say that I want to break up, so I'm going to tell you this huge lie about wanting to be friends, because I think that you, too, are a testosterone junkie who can only think with his fists, because I've never really dated anyone who can handle truth, honesty, and rejection with poise. And, since I have seen what this phrase can do for me, I'll sometimes call you to complain about the SuperJerk that I'm dating, and how he continues to beat the shit out of me, and you'll be my emotional sounding board for the rest of your life, and I never have to give you anything in return. I don't have to be seen in public with you, I don't have to see you, but I can waste hours and hours of your life lamenting about DangerIdiot, and you'll take it, because you think I really want to be your friend." There's only one solution to this phrase. When you hear it, give her a week. At some point during that week, ask her to go do something with you. If she hems and haws and makes an excuse, *click*. Hang up. Never call again. If she calls you to complain about DangerIdiot, say, "Well, I'd love to talk to you, but..." *click*. If she calls back, talk about telephone harassment laws for a moment, and hang up on her again. And again. And again. Until your point is made. STOP THE LIES!

Sorry. Pet peeve.

Ok, so you've done a search of all those links, and gotten no further. You've posted an ad on every single personals page on the net. You know better than to try to meet people in bars, and you know better than to try and meet people in gyms. Work, as I've said before, is right out. And yet, after all this, you've still come up with nothing. You still have some options.

Write a web-page, and bitch to your heart's content! This is a great little maneuver. It won't help you meet anyone, but it will help you vent frustration, and we all need that. Who knows, maybe someone will read it and stop doing the stupid shit that they've been doing, including, but not exclusive to:
A) Going after people who are already taken, instead of available folks.
B) Giving people the bullshit LJBF line.
C) Playing "hard to get", and wondering why nobody bothers.
The list is endless. Perhaps, just maybe, we can stop these horrible myths about proper ways to do things from continuing.

Become a monk or nun! Who says that your celibacy has to be externally enforced! Make it seem like it's your choice. Of course, this often involves becoming quite religious, and you may or may not want to do that.

Forget about the whole thing, and just go do something that interests you. This sounds trite and cliche, but it's useful. Eschew other people for a while. Go to movies by yourself a few times. You don't need some bimbo distracting you from a movie that you just wasted $8 to go see. Go hang gliding, parasailing, sky-diving, bungee jumping, rapelling, cliff diving - any sport that has a mortality rate. Each time you do it and survive, you'll appreciate life that much more, and the resultant rush is better than anything that is to be gained by interpersonal relationships.

Go talk to some divorced people. This is a great one. Any time that you start thinking that a relationship might be the way to go, go talk to a recently divorced friend. Ask them personal questions, like how much it hurt to go through that, how much their alimony payments are, how much debt they were saddled with, how they feel about losing all thier stuff. Ask them what it's like to carry that lovely social stigma around. It's better if you can find someone who was cheated on, because we'll always have a great tale of heartbreak and betrayal. Listen to them whine for about two or three hours, and if they try to change the subject away from the divorce, keep steering them back to it. Get a feel for their pain and loss. Ask them about the anguish and humiliation of having to move back in with their parents because someone took everything else, but left them with the debts. Really start to grok divorce. Ask yourself, when you go home later, "Do I really want to risk that shit?" If the answer is yes, then you're dumb as a box of hammers, and I want to know how you managed to turn the computer on and navigate your way here.

Write down a list of greivances against former loves. Be specific. Write down every horrible thing that they ever did to you, and describe in detail exactly how it made you feel. If it's under 10 pages, typed, single spaced, you're not trying hard enough. Come up with every insult, every injury, every single thing that you could possibly hold against them, and really depict the angst that person put you through. If you still have their address, and they're not local, mail it to them, registered mail. (So you know they got it.) If they're local, leave it taped to their door. Frame it, and offer to pay the owner of an establishment they frequent to let you hang it there. Make sure there is absolutely no way that this person can avoid seeing what you had to say. Now, others tell me this is unnecessarily harsh, and that nothing is to be gained by dredging up the past, and delivering it to someone. Bullshit, says I. No better way to let go of the past than to hand it off to someone else. Remember - it didn't bother them any to hurt you, why should it bother you to hurt them? While you're at it, add them to my "Big List Of People Not To Date", on my main page.

Try to make it into the Guiness Book of World Records. Look through the book, and if there's anything in there that happens to be a skill you possess, do everything in your power to beat out the person in there. This will accomplish two goals - 1) You'll be too busy trying to figure out a way to get in there to worry about being single, and 2) You get the satisfaction of not only having your name in lights, you get to take that away from someone else.

If you are in any way entertaining, or just friendly, go volunteer at a Children's Cancer Unit. Read them stories, tell them jokes (nice jokes, not mean ones), if you know some magic tricks, do those, if you've trained to be a clown, do that. Do something to brighten their lives a bit. It'll make them and you feel good, and it'll get your mind off your miserable love life, or, more to the point, your lack thereof.

Go target shooting. Please do not hunt down anything living, as they've done nothing to you. Scour up a picture of your ex, and make many, many copies of it. Blow it up, and attach it to your paper target on the shooting (or archery, or sling, or whatever projectile weapon you choose) range. Keep going until you can successfully put an entire clip through the same hole in the middle of the forehead. This not only allows you to vent aggression, it'll make you a hell of a lot harder to carjack.

Go on a permanent vacation. Pack up your favorite clothes, sell off everything you own, and head out the door. Walk across the country. A few times. Back and forth. Panhandle, do odd jobs for people, be a farmhand, do whatever it takes to survive. Just wander the country. Take in the sights. Forget about your car. Sell it. Quit your job. Tell everyone that you're not going to see them for a while. Meander long enough, and you're bound to come across something interesting.

If that still doesn't work, however, and you're still miserable, I can't help you. I wish you all the best, and hope that you find someone soon.

Go HOME!